I dont Wanna be.

 

aaliyah voice comforts me.

 

and its sad. because throw backs are all I have.

there will never…be anything new.

throw backs are all I have of a lot of people.

you especially.

and I miss you…

and all I have are throwback memories of us.

of you.

…and those memories. like time…are slowly fuzzing out. thining out. like

can’t remember what you smell…smelled… like anymore…

except when I catch the scent. and as quick as the wind passes…the smell is gone.

can’t remember what side your hat tilts…use to to tilt to..the left.

the right?

my mind is clouding up.  

Facial features dissipating just because I tried to mourn and move on

and I guess that’s my fault…

fighting with your memories to suppress them…suppress the way you died

surpress the reason why,,.

punishment…is that I can no longer call back the throwbacks…

 

I don’t wanna be alone.

Jus felt like I needed to scream to keep my sanity

scream to make sure i’m still hearing

scream just to remember your face

…instead

i talked it out. 

 why do i still hate you…

wrote it out.

i’m flooded with blank slated images of you

teared it out.

but did nothing about it.

 

I CANT EVEN REMEMBER YOUR FACE

all i remember is your smile.

and your hands large…callosed tracing mine.

YOU WERE TOO GOOD TO DIE

and i hate you for it!

i keep hating you for it!

and it’s killing me

hating myself for hating you…

can’t move on from a memory that i can’t remember

trying to convince myself your more than a memory

YOU DONT SEEM REAL ANYMORE.

Scares the living shit out of me
Makes me want to join you wherever you are…
But can’t because I’m too much of a punk to take it
Or confused about whether or not that makes me a survivor
Or a liar…for bein so selfishly keeping your memory in vain…

and losing it.

 

i dont want to be without you…

but i have to.